I used to be so outgoing. I would go for walks after dark, talk to people in supermarkets, spontaneously go to the store by myself, and just generally live and interact with the world.
I'm not that person anymore. I don't know if I can ever be that person again.
I'm aware that those statements sound over the top and edgy, but they're the truth.
A little over a year ago I stepped out of my comfort zone and tried to do something to help other people and make my life and my mom's better. I had a promising future. I was recognized for my skills during my first six months at work. Leaders within the office were encouraging me to aim for a leadership position myself. Things were looking good until a few months in when someone set off a chain of events that led to my life being threatened by several people online, and me being investigated by the State Police (and cleared with no charges).
My mental health took a tremendous downturn. I was scared to be in public, I couldn't effectively communicate with potential clients, had to change the area that I was working in because I was worried about my safety in the area that I had been working (and where I also live). I had to resign my position. So much hard work down the drain and basically nothing to show for it.
I am embarrassed by how weak I feel now. I can't go to the store by myself anymore. There are very few people I can go out with and not have to constantly worry that I'm going to have an anxiety attack. I tried for months to get a new job, working in an office away from the public where I could just put my head down and work, and failed. So many applications with no response, and interviews that went nowhere. I spent more time than I care to admit laying in bed hoping that the next time I woke up the past months would turn out to be a nightmare that never happened. Every day I woke and the previous months had been a nightmare, just not the kind you could wake up from.
My mom wound up getting a job after having been retired for two years because I hadn't been able to and there was no money coming in to pay the bills. I still take this as a failure because I feel like I'm supposed to take care of her. She had retired because of her health. She swallowed her pride and applied for county assistance and I tearfully filled out my part of the application.
With every day that passed after my resignation, I fell deeper and deeper into my depression. I couldn't muster enough energy to get out of bed some days. Others I would get up and spend the day hunting for jobs and staring into the middle distance. I would eat if reminded to. Then, my cat died. Like something out of a sad movie, she had an underlying health issue that she couldn't recover from and I couldn't save her. She had been basically the only thing that could make me smile or feel better at all, and she was gone.
My depression got worse. Part of me just wanted to not wake up anymore. I stopped looking for a job. I just let the world keep rolling on by me and didn't even try to interact with it.
I've always sat on the edge of the darkness, that pit of emptiness that lies at the heart of depression. I had build fences and walls and warning signs around it to keep me from getting too close. All of that was gone and I was standing up to my waist in that nothingness. And I didn't care. Every thought seemed drawn to the center of that black hole with no hope of escape. Any path I could find would make it's way back into that darkness.
I don't know how, but I found a thread of light to hold onto and pull myself up a little bit. I found a job doing Freelance Transcribing online, where I didn't have to go out in public or talk to other people. Slowly I started to level out. I went out with friends a couple times. Picked up hobbies I'd abandoned. Started to live a little bit.
But still that darkness surrounds me and it scares me. The way it makes me flinch away from the thought of going outside. The blankness that suddenly comes over me, or worse, the feeling of needing to explode. Just when I think I've gotten the hang of my life again the smallest thing will push me backward. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing a balancing act on the razor's edge, every move I make wounds me a little more, but so does standing still.
I started this post because it's time for us to reapply for county assistance and they're going to make me go through a job placement program. They're going to make me go out there and I'm terrified. I have to drop the paperwork off tomorrow. If I refuse to participate in the program, we'll lose our benefits. I don't know how I'm going to do this.
