I was reminded recently of a quote from a show I used to love. The two main characters were talking about Love and how it can be hard to tell you're actually in love and there was a statement that was particularly insightful. "All the songs make sense." Just that simple and it could feel like a throwaway statement or a flippant response, but it's true. When you're in love all of those songs about Love finally make sense. The same can be said for when you're going through a breakup, all of those songs about heartbreak that you hated or didn't understand suddenly make sense too.
When I was a kid my mom had this album we loved to listen to, Sam I Am by Sam Harris, and there was one song on it that I just couldn't stand when it came on. It was slow and sad and didn't make any sense to me back then. I mean, it was an absolutely beautiful song but as far as I was concerned it was gibberish. It was all this flowery language about sinking ships and storms and love being stronger than the sea and I just couldn't figure it out. Was it supposed to be about sailors or pirates or something like that?
I hadn't thought about that song in years and it suddenly popped into my head today. It was exactly the song I needed for what is going on in my life, and I finally understood it. I have mixed feelings about the fact that I understand it now. On one hand, I get it! I can finally truly appreciate the song and what the artist was trying to express. On the other hand, I understand what the artist was trying to express. The singer is desperately trying to help someone they love who has spent far too much of their life being molded by their depression. They're trying desperately to give that person the love that they believe they deserve and yet are fearful that they are too late for that person to be able to accept and reciprocate. It's heartbreaking and beautiful and a feeling no one should have to go through.
Right now, I feel like I'm in the position of both the singer and the person they are trying to reach. I've spent so long letting my depression and anxiety tell me that I'm nothing and no one that it's hard for me to challenge those thoughts, even when someone else is trying to get through to me. But, I also have been the person trying to get through to someone who has been trapped in that same cycle. Whichever side of that situation you're on, it's horrible. But sometimes, you need to embrace that kind of hurt.
I wish that I didn't understand this song, the emotions it takes to understand it are ones I would never wish on anyone. But, even in the depths of the sorrow it expresses, there is still a glimmer of hope. And that's the part that I'm so glad I understand.
