Losing Myself And Finding Myself Again

     As I settle into my blankets after shutting off the light, I can feel his presence in the dark. His voice slides over my mind like a velvet blanket, warm and relaxing, and part of me wants to give in to the promise it holds. Another part of me rebels against it, remembering the heartache and emptiness he left me with before. The fire of remembered touches traces across my skin burning through my defenses.

    "It wasn't all bad, was it?" the hazy part of my mind thinks as it slips further into the fog.

    "Some of it was torture," my more logical half protests as it tries to drag me free of lingering feelings that threaten to overwhelm me.

    "But such exquisite torture," my submissive nature replies, recalling the feeling of fingers resting lightly on my throat and just under my jaw. Ghosted touches pulling me closer, enticing me to lose myself in his eyes.

    "I won't lose myself again," I chastise myself, remembering how I feared not being able to come back from the depths hidden in those eyes. How easy it would have been to allow myself to succumb to him then, and how hard I fought against that urge, I remind myself.

    I feel the haze lifting from me and I reluctantly let it go. The moment of danger passes and once again I'm alone in the darkness. I sigh and draw the blankets close. Some day it will be safe to give myself over to those feelings. But not now. Not to him. Another will light those fires and I'll embrace them without fear of becoming less than I am. I will submit and through that act become more myself than ever before.

The Downward Spiral

Notice: This piece of writing was created while I was dealing with some very tough emotions. Please know that I am okay and doing much better now. Writing can be very therapeutic for me and sometimes I choose to share those moments of vulnerability.

     I'm a terrible daughter, friend, employee, neighbor, coworker, self. I consistently find new and stupifying ways to fail spectacularly and disappoint or anger everyone. I had so much potential and have wasted it all. I've allowed myself to fall prey to relationships that have stripped me of what little strength I had. I am adrift upon alien seas and fearful of any offer of kindness, hope, or love. Too many times these "Gifts" have been traps designed to peel away another layer of who I might have been. I lose more and more of myself every time I allow myself the luxury of hope or a smidgen of pride in an accomplishment. I try to allow good people I've been distant from to come back into my life, only to constantly fear losing them when they come to realize what a dumpster fire my life is. I'm the type of friend who gets asked to organize things for the group but not to actively participate. People get me excited about possible future plans, but make sure that no details are ever communicated to me. I don't blame them. Even I don't want to deal with me most of the time, how could I expect it of others.

    Therapy is pointless when all they do is keep saying "You know what to do, just do it." When all I can say is, "If it was that easy for me do you think I would need therapy?" Do I tell anyone about the waves of loneliness threatening to drown me at random, or do I put on the sad smile of a clown and make jest of the world burning around me? Do I take hold of the lifeline offered to me, not knowing whether it will bring me to dry land or further into the depths? Should I embrace the void and shed all pretext of seeking joy, or love, or acceptance and just learn to find stillness in the core of nothingness? Should I free others of my curse by caging it all up and burying it so deep in that void that not even I can hear the lamentations of my own subconscious anymore? Drown out my pathetic need to be seen and heard and touched and validated with a workman's chant of "I don't matter, only results do." 

    All others before me, and never let them see how translucent you've become from giving them your all. Maybe if I give enough of myself away I'll become clear enough for others to see themself in me, and then I'll truly belong. I don't know how to be anything but "Other", maybe as a shadow or reflection people would find me palatable? Or perhaps I'll just keep giving up who I might be piece-by-piece and eventually drift away on a cosmic wind, never to burden another's mind again. I am/have nothing of value, just a broken mind/body/spirit desperate for someone to fix it. There is no value here. There is nothing to be gained by allowing others to waste themselves upon me. I am an emotional, physical, and financial black hole from which only faint amounts of radioactive light can escape. 

    I fear accidentally destroying those I care about by not being able to stop them from trying to fix me by emptying themselves in an attempt to call forth greater light. Do not sacrifice yourselves for me. I am not worth it. Take what you need from me in order to survive. The best I can hope for in life is to somehow be useful. Though I've failed at that so many times that I fear I can't even accomplish that.